Soft Tibetan singing bowls sung out gentle harmonics, Tala could feel deep eddying emotions rising up in her chest as she listened to the heart chakra healing tone resonating. Pain was a necessary part of any healing process, so although the feelings being stirred up inside her made her angry, left her feeling hopeless, helpless and confused, she knew the only freedom from the crushing vise of pain was to accept them and conquer them. She could hardly believe it was almost three months, and didn’t care to think of the state she found herself in these days. Lovesick, depressed, physically fatigued, easily bothered by the slightest disturbance, yet strangely apathetic around others. For a little while she had felt the sweetest exhilaration, all she tasted now was sprinkled with ash, the bitterness of jealousy at merely glimpsing her beautiful friend and the rot of self-disgust for ever daring to dream Lillian could be hers.
In her head, her migraine expanded, her utter sense of stupidity building the pressure in her mind. Every thought darkened by the knowledge that she never had been more than a passing fancy to Lillian, a challenge and an easy one at that. If she dwelled too long on the thought, oh she knew it would turn to deep sadness and suffocating despair. One begins to naively believe that one might just once, one little time be found worthy of love. When you stack your cards so high and neat, even gravity cannot compete, the blow that dashes them down. A kiss, given, where none was ever expected thus to be found.
The bowls were the poison ringing in her ears, the evidence of her folly plastered in pictures posted on an anti-social social media site. The comments sections better left unread from that point forward, blatantly suggestive phrases, each and every one a razor edge slid neatly into her heart. Tala could pretend as long as Lillian was seeing Max that she could just be a friend… hell she didn’t even bat an eye at Lillian’s sordid accounting of a few party sex-capades, because she knew they ultimately meant nothing. She even restrained herself in her friendship when Lillian and Max stopped seeing each other, behaving the way normal friends do, which is to say, not jumping a suddenly single friend’s bones. However, seeing Lillian with her newest hangout buddy, knowing she’d rather party and spend time with her absolutely stunning out of state female friend, sucked out the wind from Tala’s sails and set a match to her boat to boot. How oh how she hated then, the way Lillian made her feel, for as much as one can argue we create all we experience, a little gasoline added to the embers certainly doesn’t help the inferno that results.
Tala resolutely made up her mind to dismiss Lillian, every indication on Lillian’s side indicated indifference and narcissistic preening, Tala was already physically ill from the strength of her emotional turmoil and knew she must close her heart down entirely for any chance of recovering from her foolish dreams. How do you amputate your own hands to further save you the possibility of reaching after what can never be yours?