Eminence

A solitary word, gesture;
sustenance for days.
Everything a reminder
something said or a gentle touch…
sweetest sort of agony
font head of sadness.
Deliberate avoidance procuring
intense protective loyalty.
And invoking the most
destructive of self

criticisms.
The involuntary effect
living for your praise…
wears and tears my soul.
You are mistaken,
I do not ever want
to not want you…
I want the wanting
to never hurt.
I want you to see me
and know I am worthy
of your love.

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There are days.

There are days when
the pills in my palm
are particularly attractive
with the message
they sell…
swallow me
and forget about your weight,
tongue me til
the dose inebriates.
Choke on this
til your reality
reciprocates…
bitter diamond dust
2 centuries too late.

And know still,
I love you well
regardless of the make
and year of my
personal hell.
One day I know true
your kisses many you will give
reverent I shall dance with you
and cherish you as I live.

Light & Limerence

Moments held captive in time
like bubbles in my cider,
never your wine.
With or without you
playing on the music box
irony following me everywhere.
This state, this blissful hellish unending torturous ecstasy
described in careful detail,
suddenly given a name
and given a name, suddenly
following into a pattern
a pattern whose warp and weft
defined every single significant
adult relationship of my life entire.
How odd! To see what you believed
eratic, isolated behaviors & reactions
on your part… to reflect a common place phenomenon whose
precise repetitions of distinct
actions and reactions
demonstrate a very frequent occurrence…
limerence.
And to realize a serial
sequence of similar events,
heartache, mistake, misconceptions
and an overly active perception
of inconsequential details.

Brittle Briars

How to measure time?
She stopped caring, trying
the day her heart reached out…
Neglect is the ruin
of many a thing.
An obsession with
timepieces on chains
broken & lost earrings
punctuated precise
conversations
whose translations
fumble
and pain erupts foul lava.
The cynic looks forward
having seen this reaction.
Having confessed
emotional terror
the worst possible event…
an implied impatience &
indifference.
Please rip the bricks
now from my base
and forget that I
am I at all.
Your words razor
true hit deep
into my marrow.
I hold the blood hidden
til I know you gone.
Less of me
is what you wished..
only ever do I aim to
please
I can scream in silence
and won’t ever complain,
This dance is only ever yours,
oh wait, so is
everything.

Today is enough

A world of pain inside my heart.
And no avenues left to set it free.
You’ve closed the door
I held open
barred it tight against
unwanted entry.
Now when what most I need
a listening soul who gives a damn…
I am as ever always left alone
out in the rainy cold
can’t even fucking scream
all my noises unheard sounds
unremarkable
today is enough
I shall shortly leave
my absence as insignificant
as my presence seems to be.
I am done with this now
…am done with everything.