Emergency Heart Surgery 

If nothing I feel is real

& nothing I do is right

what does it take to kill

all my demons in the night?

I see now I cannot trust

every thought that came before

so how can I do as I must…

slay these ghosts & bar the door?

In which way can I still

this thinking, feeling piece of me?

Tell me please I surely will

or trapped in hell I’ll forever be.

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& Etc.

Seems the cycle is begun again.. is it every 3-4 years exactly or does it vary? History… right back to  the same place I was 4 years ago, even if the circumstances differ greatly.

I’m lacking true motivation which is necessary to break the pattern. I’m sick of feeling so alone ALL THE TIME. I find myself wondering if I really even have friends these days.

Lulu is busy with his life & his partner… Bri is occupied with school & her partner… Sharon is over 3000 miles and two time zones away…Caitlin has her family & massive time consuming responsibilities… Katie only ever has free time when I am working… I feel insignificant to anyone’s life, I mean honestly I wonder who has even noticed that I have taken a sabbatical from FB? 

And work… oh yeah there’s a nice gem of fucking frustration. I literally feel like another drone worker bee, heavily discouraged from independent initiative action even when it’s meant to be helpful. I feel tired, sick, unseen, overworked, unappreciated and forgotten unless I do wrong.

I really wish I would just disappear entirely. I will never be able to be healthy physically when my mind is so very sick.

The Straightner Chapter 5

Lillian had been both a fluke (odd & unexpected occurrence) & a flake  (superficial by proxy? )

Tala tried to reach her in order to recover the CDS & DVDs she had left at Lillian’s.

They couldn’t seem to align times and Lillian moved her things to her parent’s house before going on a four months pleasure voyage abroad.