& we struggle for
heartblood streaming down our sleeves in our search for the perfect phrasing to prevent expressing exactly what we mean because full
will destroy what’s left behind this last bitter chance to start anew…
even Divine decree could not force this confession,
the depths of which I feel for you…
bid me to smiling tell you stories, ask for jokes or bits of song
challenge me to change my thinking but be aware I am not strong
not strong enough to end one’s suffering
not strong enough to wisely walk away
not strong enough to keep from crying
in fear that I will someday say in brilliant
words clear and damning…
everything I am slaving oh so desperately
to lock away.
and I was waiting in the desert
waiting weeks on end, parched & burned & delirious… waiting for the whisper of a maybe that the rains would come again
waiting without feeling the gravity of earth… from dune to dune staggering yet somehow kept aloft in the quest of someday maybe
knowing all I was worth
and the desert, well she is lonely too, shunned save for her creatures & the foolish few who dare to come in waiting for the questions they had mumbled in their hearts, in their beds… to somehow find the answers which were always in their heads…
the desert weeps with them, those whose eyes would cry bloody tears if not for their constant dehydration in waiting so many years…
And I was waiting in the desert but dreaming of the snow & how once upon a blizzard I laid down to softly let it go, listening to my music, my back against a tree, wanting nothing more than the cold to come & swallow me, numb my mind to quiet, my limbs to lethargy & let the music lullaby my being until I finally could just cease.
But a man & his dog…
and I strangely in reflection found myself ashamed
That I almost slipped away because of all my pain… without saying I love you or goodbye to those I know would have grieved because nothing meant as much in those moments as the pain I would finally get to leave.
So I dreamed out in the desert of ice & snow
of letting go… of simple circumstances changing all the chances, of recognizing doomed romances, of all those someday maybe “happy dances” that sorrow, fear or pain enhances in the desert where one can choose to wait… or maybe someday actually embrace their fate.
When I look at you… look at you with my Virgo eyes, I feel as if I know you already…
and that is utterly ridiculous as we each still know so little
When I look at you… it feels like seeing a perfect butterfly fresh in spring after the snows have wrecked their havoc & mother nature is only just beginning to trust the Sun’s fidelity after months of inconsistency & green is only just coming into its confidence… and there are wispy high clouds in a sky almost too new of a blue shade & a gentle motion, stretching out the hands and unfurling fingers in a beckoning gesture as the perfect butterfly flutters to land upon the index finger offered out, the feeling of exactness silently watching this happen… the quiet exchange rudely interrupted by fellow classmates finally noticing the lovely butterfly perched upon the hand & causing it to fly away when they crowd in closer to marvel… when I look at you,
I feel that sweet sense of wonder watching that butterfly land… & I feel that same pang of sadness as I watched it startle away
A feeling of precision of understanding, a feeling fleeting in time but unforgettable in importance.
When I look at you, I see a perfect, beautiful, colorful new butterfly who chooses to land into my awareness, chooses to gift the softest of touches upon my heart, awareness & vision… to remind me of the miracle of transformation, change & mindful being.
Thank you for showing me the beauty of your wings, I hope one day I shall soar as free as you.
I stretched out my hand and touched only space…
I called out my voice and heard only echoing silence…
I put up a brave face and found only indifference…
& I have been trying forever, just to find one true connection without preconceived notions, misperception, or sketchy connotations…
I glue myself together again every morning… running out of glue, reasons to even bother pretending I am in any way alright
I throw my art, my creations into the cosmos and watch as they all just crash back down as unremarkable as every thing I ever feel, as present as my nonexistent social life, just as memorable as a solitary grain of sand upon a beach… so insignificant to anything at all, yet the only thing somehow real
I wait for any responses but this trying forever
never nets a single return
So I set a match to my foolish dreams, hopes
and watch contented as they all burn.
perhaps you think that you know how I function
Maybe you believe you know how or what I think.
See here’s the deal lovey, all the time you spend in judging me… would be better spent learning a foreign language, learning how to paint, opening your heart & soul to higher vibrational frequencies… listening when one speaks.
There is no ulterior motive here my friend.
Choose friendship and choose to really know me… or choose judgement without authentication, prejudice without observation and exclusion without explanation. Are you your own self? Do you choose on your own? When you resonate at the highest frequency… there is no space for mistakes.