Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You illustrated concisely my dilemma. Your observation was keen, ah the periphery where no lasting change ever springs forth, that boundary… not physical but emotional, a border/buffer from which intention is powerless.
Ah, the periphery, my twilight, my landscape… always a desert, even in rains.
Incandescent luminance lost & lonely in such a frozen bitter cold world
Take a minute now & rest perhaps to realize
it’s for the best, this temporal isolation of subzero nature…
no one can get hurt here from the fire, all there is, endless ice & biting wind, singing mocking of “what could have been”
Mayhaps it’s finally time to shred your wings off with icicles, let your flames die in the endless banks of mindless snow, lay your head & heart into the chill embrace of nothing… let the light escape you at last… there’s never been anything here for you to illuminate.
The finer points of artlessness
If nothing I feel is real
& nothing I do is right
what does it take to kill
all my demons in the night?
I see now I cannot trust
every thought that came before
so how can I do as I must…
slay these ghosts & bar the door?
In which way can I still
this thinking, feeling piece of me?
Tell me please I surely will
or trapped in hell I’ll forever be.
Seems the cycle is begun again.. is it every 3-4 years exactly or does it vary? History… right back to the same place I was 4 years ago, even if the circumstances differ greatly.
I’m lacking true motivation which is necessary to break the pattern. I’m sick of feeling so alone ALL THE TIME. I find myself wondering if I really even have friends these days.
Lulu is busy with his life & his partner… Bri is occupied with school & her partner… Sharon is over 3000 miles and two time zones away…Caitlin has her family & massive time consuming responsibilities… Katie only ever has free time when I am working… I feel insignificant to anyone’s life, I mean honestly I wonder who has even noticed that I have taken a sabbatical from FB?
And work… oh yeah there’s a nice gem of fucking frustration. I literally feel like another drone worker bee, heavily discouraged from independent initiative action even when it’s meant to be helpful. I feel tired, sick, unseen, overworked, unappreciated and forgotten unless I do wrong.
I really wish I would just disappear entirely. I will never be able to be healthy physically when my mind is so very sick.
Lillian had been both a fluke (odd & unexpected occurrence) & a flake (superficial by proxy? )
Tala tried to reach her in order to recover the CDS & DVDs she had left at Lillian’s.
They couldn’t seem to align times and Lillian moved her things to her parent’s house before going on a four months pleasure voyage abroad.